Best funny quotes

Best funny quotes

1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

3. And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!” 

4. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

5. The worst men often give the best advice.

6. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

7. You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

8. Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

9. If you’re not using your smile, you’re like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no checkbook.

10. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

13. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

14. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

15. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

16. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

17. The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money, he serves up a great burger and fries.

18. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

19. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

22. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

23. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

24. Everything I like is either Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible.

25. Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.

26. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

27. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

28. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

29. When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.

30. Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.

31. The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

32. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

33. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

34. Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a train, fall in love and never return.

35. Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

36. All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that

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